Tuesday 30 July 2013

How to Write a Blog Article



Title: Descriptive and/or witty line that summarizes your article


Welcome to the introduction, the part of the article where you (hereby referred to as “the blogger”), will give some beautifully worded background information to your audience (hereby referred to as “the readers”). This article will be written in a list format of some sort, and the blogger will indicate this early on in her introduction. She quickly befriends her handy thesaurus in this section of writing, weaving her commodious words in such a way as to exude a profound sound to her dissertation. She’ll jot down a few insights and make a reference to her personal life. Then at this point she, like 56% of bloggers, will begin to run out of things to say, and toss in a statistic (real or fictional) to make her introduction feel more “complete”. Without further ado, the blogger will now choose a nice transitional phrase to conclude this first paragraph, and move on to the bulk of her article.


1. This is the first point that the blogger will make on her list. It is an important one, because it must be interesting enough to capture the attention of the readers, yet not so interesting as to set the bar too high for her following points. Once a happy medium is established and she is satisfied with her wording, the blogger will move on to her second point.

2. A personal insight is incorporated here, giving the readers an idea of the blogger’s opinions on the topic which she is writing about. Often an inside joke is added to this point, and the majority of readers will have a hard time understanding it. On a side note, don’t you love the feeling of a nice, light mist in your face?

3. A short point is placed here for variation.

4. Eventually, the blogger will get frustrated with her writing, somewhere around this point. She will get bored, lose inspiration, and engage in a number of activities (cleaning her room, browsing the internet, training her hamster to do the cha-cha…) in order to escape her pressing writer’s block. An hour later when she finally returns to her blog, this is the first point that the blogger will write. It will be of a slightly lower quality than her other points, and often will later be deleted.

5. This point is written second, but is placed strategically near the middle of the list. It is common for the blogger to write out of order, as it allows her some time to think of material for her earlier points. In fact, almost everything in the article is written out of order, and the blogger arranges her points in the way she sees fit upon completion of her writing.

6. Running out of ideas, the blogger will now turn to others for inspiration. She will ask her dad or sister for input, and their ideas will be listed here.

7. The blogger will begin to reference other points in her article here, in an attempt to make her list feel smooth and connected. It is essential for her material to be tied together in some fashion, and in order to do this she will let you know that her mission to teach her hamster the cha-cha was aborted – after 2 nearly-successful attempts at the dance he lost interest, ran around in his wheel twice, and then scurried over to his nest and fell asleep.

8. At this point the blogger starts to question what she’s doing with her life. What’s the point of this article? Who is she really helping? Maybe she should’ve listened to her gut feeling in high school and become a cheerleader instead (see the second sentence in point number 2).

9. The blogger starts to doubt her entire article at this point. She hates everything she has written, and spirals into a bout of frustration. She will scream, throw her laptop across the room, and subsequently awake her napping hamster (who still refuses to dance). But then after a brief period of crying and cursing the art of writing she will re-read her article, realize it isn’t as bad as she had initially thought, and move on to her last point.

10. This is the final point, and the blogger is usually unsure of what to write here. She has been working on this article for such a long time, and will typically just scribble out the first thing that enters her mind so she can just finish the darn thing already!


This brings us to the conclusion which is short and sweet, and the blogger will use this space to summarize her article and repeat most of what she previously stated in the introduction. She’ll make a humorous remark, add a personal sentiment, and then run out of things to say. Finally she will end her conclusion with a question relating to the content of her article, prompting the readers to leave their own input in the comment box below.


The cha-cha has proven to be too advanced for my hamster, so tell me - what is an appropriate dance that you have been able to successfully teach to your hamster?


This hamster is clearly not dancing the cha-cha.



Monday 29 July 2013

How to Survive an Encounter with Me

If you ever find yourself rummaging through the latest arrivals in Kelowna’s plus-sized clothing stores, or battling older women over discounted yarn at Walmart, there is a good chance that you will - if you already haven’t - eventually encounter me. Luckily, this generally isn’t a frightening experience, as I am a mostly calm and quiet person (unless, of course, you’re holding an Illichmann’s seven-layer Halva bar, in which case I have been known to spontaneously attack). While occurrences such as these are rare, however, it may be wise to take a few precautions to ensure that your encounter with me will end in a painless escape.

When you first notice me walking towards you (or more realistically, stumbling towards you), two options will clearly emerge: a) risk an immediate escape or b) attempt to distract me before secretly running away. The first choice is definitely more effective, as any pace over a brisk walk will almost immediately leave me out of breath, allowing you to quickly disappear from my sight. However, if you, too, are not an athlete, employing a simple distraction may work just as easily. Simply guide me to an area of interest (a used clarinet boutique, the German children’s section at the library, various all-you-can-eat perogie houses) and I should be preoccupied enough for you to make a quick and easy escape.

However, on certain occasions it is very possible for a tactic like this to fail. Perhaps you grab me too hard while leading me towards my perogies, triggering painful flashbacks of my little sister poking at pockets of flab on the undersides of my arms. Should these hurtful and terrifying memories come flooding back to me, I would undoubtedly cling to you - crying and begging for comfort - all while subsequently abolishing your window of escape. At this point, physically removing me becomes your last resort.

It is difficult to say which methods will work in chasing me away from our encounter, but there are a number of tactics that should never be attempted. For instance, running after me will only make me sweaty and aggravated, and having a PE teacher yell at me to move quicker will cause me to instinctively stop in my tracks, and quit moving altogether. The most important thing to remember when chasing me away, however, is to never, under any circumstance, wink, whistle, or water-ski. Since I have never been able to master these activities, even attempting one will harbor from within me a deep, competitive rage that has remained buried for the past several years. After uncovering this emotion, there is no hope for me to regain my composure, thus creating one final option for you: run!

Now truthfully, running is not completely necessary in escaping me (especially if it involves more than two flights of stairs), but it is incredibly important that you know where to run to. Any various salad bars, spider sanctuaries or circuses across the city are ideal safe havens, as I would never be found anywhere near these places. If these establishments aren’t available, try any Vancouver Canucks fan clubs, bee farms, or One Direction CD packaging plants. And if you really want to ensure that you will never again come face-to-face with me, the safest place you can possibly hide is at a zip-lining place just outside of Revelstoke, where an emergency rescue when I was just a little heavier has resulted in my permanent ban from the premises.

So essentially, when everything boils down, only when you become a zip-line instructor will you truly learn the secret of how to survive an encounter with me.

Thursday 25 July 2013

What is Happiness?

Today, it seems like a lot of people have forgotten what happiness is. We go through life working as hard as we can, trying desperately to improve upon everything – there’s always something that can be better, and nothing is ever good enough. Now because of this, it looks like happiness has been given a permanent seat on the backburner. So what is happiness? Here, let me remind you:


Happiness is hearing your hamster running around in his wheel at 2:00am, and knowing he is happy and healthy.
Happiness is opening up the fridge and seeing that your mom made angel food cake.
Happiness is running faster than you ever have before at the gym.
Happiness is hearing that, after 12 years of waiting, there will finally be a sequel to Finding Nemo!
Happiness is when you check the clock at work, and realize you only have 20 more minutes left.
Happiness is stepping on the scale and seeing that you’ve lost 2 pounds.
Happiness is thrift shopping at Value Village, and finding the most amazing purse that you have ever seen in your entire life.
Happiness is hearing your pet bird chirping in the morning.
Happiness is seeing that they’ve started showing Boy Meets World on TV again.
Happiness is when the person ahead of you in the drive thru line pays for your coffee.
Happiness is returning the favour, and paying for the person behind you.
Happiness is going on early-morning walks with your dad and sister.
Happiness is waking up in the morning and seeing that more people have looked at your blog.
Happiness is when you can make your family and friends smile.
Happiness is coming home from work and opening the door to the smell of perogies.
Happiness is realizing that you are a completely different person from who you were last year.
Happiness is elephants.
Happiness is getting your nose pierced.
Happiness is having the day off work, and doing absolutely nothing all day long.
Happiness is that brief 2 week period at the beginning of summer when the lilacs are blooming and the air smells sweet.
Happiness is getting into your hot car and then turning on the air conditioning.
Happiness is when your grandma remembers your birthday…or your sister’s birthday…or your dad’s birthday…
Happiness is frozen yogurt.
Happiness is finding a $20 Dairy Queen gift card in your wallet that you forgot you had.
Happiness is getting to sing your favourite song at church.
Happiness is spending time with a friend that you hadn’t seen in awhile.
Happiness is seeing the excited look in your guinea pigs’ eyes when you give them treats.
Happiness is learning new words in a different language.
Happiness is eating fettuccine alfredo at your favourite Italian restaurant.
Happiness is when there’s 2 empty elliptical machines side-by-side at the gym, and you can exercise next to your sister.
Happiness is playing mini-golf, and getting a hole-in-one.
Happiness is when your favourite team wins the Stanley Cup Playoffs (Go Hawks)!
Happiness is donating blood.
Happiness is when the shirt you fell in love with at the store is sold out in every size – except yours.
Happiness is knowing that your Oma and Opa are watching over you from heaven, and that one day you’ll see them again.
Happiness is going out to eat and hearing that the soup of the day is cream of potato.
Happiness is when you set your iPod to shuffle and your favourite song starts playing.
Happiness is sitting in the car when it’s raining and listening as the raindrops hit the roof.
Happiness is singing along to the Big Bang Theory theme song, and not messing up a single word.
Happiness is trading in your size 12 pants for some 10s at work, and remembering that this time last year you were a size 20.
Happiness is putting on a pair of jeans, warm and straight out of the dryer.
Happiness is finally breaking in a new clarinet reed and getting that smooth, great sound.
Happiness is learning how to play a Josh Groban song on the guitar.
Happiness is taking funny and adorable pictures of your pets.


This is what happiness is for me; it’s the little, everyday things that so often I take for granted. It’s the things that make me smile, the things that make me proud of myself, the things that remind me that life is amazing. Happiness comes in all shapes and sizes, and doesn’t have to be an enormous event – sometimes it’s the smallest things that mean the most.


So tell me, what does happiness mean to you?


Tuesday 23 July 2013

Top Ten Reasons Why I Have the Best Dad in the World

Are you a big fan of sour cream? Do you like topping your baked potatoes, perogies, and beef stew with this rich, savoury goodness? I know I do, and that makes today a very important one for me – a day very close to my heart. You see (and I say this with the utmost sadness), today my beautiful and delicious container of heaven reaches its best-by date; today my sour cream expires. Let’s have a moment of silence and remember.

Coincidentally, that’s not the only thing that happens today. Today is actually a very important day, and I’m proud to say that it’s my dad’s birthday! Because of this, I decided to dedicate this article to him, and brag to all of you guys about just how awesome my daddy is. So here is my list of the top ten reasons (I could’ve easily gone to 50) why I have the best dad in the entire world!


1. He is absolutely the smartest person I know. He graduated high school at the top of his class, graduated college at the top of his class, and knows every single fact about everything, I swear. His intelligence has always been very inspiring to me, and caused me to reach my full potential when I was in school.

2. He is the funniest person I know. My dad is constantly making jokes about everything, and he can always make me laugh. We have so many inside jokes, and he knows how to crack me up with only a couple words – Hat das Kalb keine Mutti?

3. He always has time for me. Growing up, I was very lucky to have my dad around – all the time. And now that I’m older, nothing has changed. If I want him to play with my hamster with me, if I want to go for a drive with him, if I want to watch tv with him, he always has time for me.

4. He speaks German with me. I’ve always had an interest in this language, and my dad has done so much to help me learn it. From making jokes to reading stories (hey dad, remember Bobo Siebenschläfer?) to just making general conversation, my German is where it is because of my dad.

5. He boosts my self-confidence. Let’s face it, I have never been a “skinny, beautiful” person. But for some reason, my dad thinks I am. Even back when I was 270lbs, my dad never once told me I was fat (and he’s probably the only person too). He said, “You’re smaller than me, you’re skinny.” And even though that made me chuckle and obviously wasn’t completely true, it made me feel better about myself.

6. He supports me. Whatever I decide to do in life, I always know that my dad is behind me 100%. When I decided to play the clarinet he supported me, and complimented me through all the squeaks and wrong notes. He tells me I am an awesome writer, and reads every single one of my blog posts. When I decided to take some time off of school, he backed me up. My dad is always there for me, and it means a lot.

7. He gives really good hugs. Whether I’m feeling happy or sad, or whether I need one or not, my dad’s hugs always make me feel better. Always.

8. He has excellent tastes in music. My dad listens to tunes from all the greatest artists – Petula Clark, The Seekers, Dana Winner, Nena, The Turtles, Herman’s Hermits – and the list goes on. Our identical music preference is just one of the many things that my dad and I have in common.

9. He is an awesome cook. My dad makes me breakfast every morning, and can also cook the most delicious Kliesel, scrambled eggs, breakfast sandwiches, and fried rice. Is there any wonder why I'm not skinny?

10. He makes me feel loved. This goes back to when I was little, and my younger sister was born. She was getting a lot of attention, especially from my mom, and I was feeling a little left out. But my dad told me, “Brianna is mommy’s baby, and you are my baby,” and that made everything better. Every single day of my life, there has never been a question in my mind whether or not my dad loves me.



The list goes on and on, and like I said before, I could easily go past 10. My dad is the most awesome person I know, and he’s more than just my dad – he’s one of my best friends. I know there will be parts of this article that you won’t understand (I incorporated a lot of inside jokes), but I think I got my point across: I have the coolest, best dad in the entire world. That being said, I will close in the classiest way I can think of – Der Wind bläst von hinten!


Saturday 20 July 2013

20 Beautifully Simple Life Hacks

Life is hard. And first world problems are hard. But fortunately they don’t have to be, thanks to the internet. After my sister showed me a neat trick on how to stop the hiccups, I started to wonder what other simple solutions were out there for my most pressing first world problems. So I sat down and spent a couple hours surfing the web, and have scoped out la crème de la crème of life hacks. Most of the items on my list are not my original ideas, just an assortment of the gems I found floating around in cyberspace.

Get ready for your life to become a whole lot easier!


1. When you accidentally grab something that is too hot, immediately touch your earlobes. You will feel the heat transfer from your finger tips to your earlobes, and it will keep you from getting burnt.
Why does this work? Earlobes are mostly adipose tissue, aka fat. And since fat has a low density, it allows for it to absorb heat faster.

2. Put newspaper at the bottom of your kitchen garbage bin to absorb food juices. It not only prevents your garbage from leaking, but also keeps it smelling fresher.

3. Ouch, just gave yourself a paper cut?  No problem! Heal the cut immediately and stop the pain by rubbing Chapstick on it.

4. Just finished a delicious plate of garlic alfredo at your favourite Italian restaurant, and now your breath isn’t smelling too fresh? The parsley on your plate isn’t just a pretty little decoration, it neutralizes garlic breath.

5. Not sure if your batteries are still good? Drop them onto a table from a height of about 6 inches. If they bounce once and then fall over they still have juice, but if they bounce more than once they’re empty.

6. Sometimes price stickers are annoyingly difficult to remove. But if you heat them with a hair dryer for a minute or two they’ll peel right off.

7. Crack an egg onto a plate. Squeeze an empty water bottle, and then hold it to the egg yolk. Slowly release the pressure on the bottle. This is the simplest way to separate yolks from eggs.

8. If you have a bad case of the hiccups, follow these simple instructions: 1. Inhale as far as you can. 2. Swallow twice. 3. Exhale slowly. Your hiccups are now non-existent.

9. Place a wooden spoon over a pot of boiling water to keep it from bubbling over.

10. Tired of your charging cords bending a breaking? Put a spring from an old pen around the base of the cord.

11. Add a teaspoon of baking soda to the pot when boiling eggs. The shells will peel off effortlessly.

12. When heating up leftovers, leave an empty space in the middle of your plate. This will cause the food to heat up more evenly.

13. Scared of hitting your thumb while hammering a nail? Rather than holding the nail with your fingers, use a clothespin. Problem solved!

14. Paint clear nail polish onto the inside of your rings to keep them from turning your fingers green.

15. Use dryer sheets to remove deodorant stains from your clothing! Rub the dryer sheet in a circular motion over the stain, and it will absorb the deodorant. Just make sure there isn’t any lint on the dryer sheet, or it’ll leave grey marks.

16. Use ice cubes to remove gum from your hair. It will cause the gum to harden, making it easier to remove.

17. Press your tongue to the roof of your mouth to instantly cure brain freeze. This also works in making the urge to sneeze go away.

18. If you have persistent acne, sleep with a freshly washed towel over your pillowcase. It will cure or drastically reduce your acne.

19. Car headlights getting a little hazy? Use toothpaste to clean them, they’ll look brand new!

20. Don’t you hate it when you get out of the bath or shower and your mirror is all fogged up? Instead of wiping it off with a towel and leaving smudges and streaks, use your hair dryer and give it a quick blast. Your mirror will be clear in seconds.


So those were the top 20 life hacks that I came up with – hopefully they will make your life just a little easier. If you have any ideas of your own, or I missed something that you believe should be on the list, please tell me in the comment box below. Let’s work together to find a cure for all of our first world problems!

Thursday 18 July 2013

50 Things to Blog about When Suffering from Severe Writer’s Block

Oh writer’s block, the arch nemesis of bloggers everywhere. Excitedly we turn on our computers, open our word documents, and then BAM! Nothing. Our minds go blank. We write and rewrite sentence upon sentence, building up an intense frustration as our fingers make close friendships with the backspace key. Each writing attempt becomes more pathetic than the last, and we eventually turn off our computers in disappointment and defeat.

But we can fight this! Below I have put together a list of 50 writing prompts – ammunition with which we can protect ourselves from the dark side. Feel free to use these ideas as your own, and if you think of any others please help your fellow bloggers out by leaving them in the comment box.

Together - as one unit - we form a shield. A shield strong enough, powerful enough, and with enough writing talent (that’s right, this shield can write), to survive any obstacle. We will join together and work as one to not only defend against, but also ABOLISH, the evil force that is writer’s block.

So let's get started!


1. 10 reasons why my pet is better than yours

2. 5 people I would like to be friends with

3. You know you’re a band nerd if…

4. 17 things to do when you’re feeling blue

5. Eggs: Are they all they’re cracked up to be?

6. 10 things I hate about the human race

7. My favourite stuffed toy is…

8. 6 Reasons why rabbits make amazing pets

9. My top 5 favourite places in my city are…

10. Everyone is beautiful: A discussion on the pressure to be “perfect”

11. 4 stories we know and love – before the Disney alterations

12. 9 things to do when you’re dying after an intense workout

13. 10 things I wish I could’ve told myself 5 years ago

14. 15 jokes for nerds

15. 4 guilty pleasures I couldn’t live without

16. My top 3 most embarrassing moments

17. 15 things to do when suffering from writer’s block

18. Someone who inspires me is…

19. The 10 commandments of weight loss

20. 6 things not to do when visiting your grandma

21. How to write a blog article

22. 8 reasons why you shouldn’t piss me off

23. Everything you could ever want to know about elephants

24. 13 of the all-time most entertaining German words

25. 5 reasons why the morning is the best time of the day

26. You know you’re Canadian if…

27. 10 places I want to see before I die

28. 12 things I learned over the last year

29. 5 books on my shelf that I will never get rid off

30. How to survive an encounter with me

31. An inspirational quote that has really impacted me is…

32. 20 names perfectly suited for a guinea pig

33. I am obsessed with: Josh Groban!

34. 10 ways I motivate myself when I’m feeling down

35. Oldies vs. Rap: A biased review

36. Duct tape: the ultimate necessity

37. 12 things that annoy me more than they probably should

38. 8 things I would do today if I knew I would die tomorrow

39. Let’s talk about: Charles Dickens!

40. 10 things my pet would probably say to me if he could talk

41. An open letter to someone I wish I could talk to

42. A mental illness that I would like to know more about is…

43. 18 embarrassingly pathetic first world problems

44. How to cure the hiccups, and 9 other helpful life solutions

45. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?

46. Yolo!...Why does this phrase make me want to hurt small animals?

47. 12 things to do at Wal-Mart

48. Something going on in the world that I feel strongly about is…

49. 10 reasons why I’m looking forward to Christmas

50. 10 ways to pass the time using only a roll of toilet paper, a dishcloth….and kitty stickers

Thursday 4 July 2013

25 Things to Do When You're Bored

So, in a bout of frustration you have stumbled across this article, questing for something to put an end to your boredom. And fortunately for you, you have come to the right place. Peruse this treasure-trove of ideas, and pick an activity that sounds appealing. You’ll be having fun in no time!

Disclaimer: I, in no way, accept any responsibility for any arrests, injuries, or deaths resulting from the following suggestions. But on the bright side, going to jail/the hospital/the afterlife will at least get you out of the house!


1. Watch the Jerry Springer show, screaming obscenities at the tv like the redneck you are.

2. Give your guinea pig a haircut. If you don’t have a guinea pig, sit down, cry out of loneliness, then get your ass up and find yourself a guinea pig. Proceed to cut the hair of said guinea pig.

3. Teach yourself the Cyrillic alphabet, and then write a poem expressing your love of language in perfect Ukrainian.

4. Listen to every One Direction song ever made - without contemplating killing yourself. If a suicidal thought enters your mind, start over.

5. Become a hard-core Canucks fan. Make posters and dye your hair blue and green.  Follow every tweet, interview, and article. And watch every single game until they win the Stanley Cup Playoffs. *Life-time commitment required.

6. Go to the best ice-cream place in town, and try every single flavour.

7. Develop an extensive workout routine to drop the pounds you gained while stuffing your face with ice-cream.

8. Go to Wal-Mart, and ask an employee if their walls are for sale. If they say no, accuse them of false advertising, question their integrity, and storm out in a huff.

9. Skydive – make a search on Google Earth, and zoom in really fast. Eh, that’s close enough.

10. Master the art of sword-swallowing.

11. Acquire a sheep. Shave that sheep. Spin that sheep’s wool into yarn. Knit a kickass afghan, then feel bad and give it to your naked, shivering sheep. You jerk.

12. Set a timer, and don’t think about turtles for 5 minutes. If you think about them, start over. (This one is probably impossible).

13. Use peanuts and birdseed to lure all the squirrels in the neighbourhood into your backyard. Become the Squirrel Master, leading your new followers to world domination.

14. Narrate everything going on around you - in a Scottish accent.

15. Go through the McDonalds drive thru. Order 8 Big Macs, 10 large fries, 60 chicken nuggets, a few milkshakes, and a Diet Coke (because you still haven’t lost all your ice-cream weight). “Forget” your wallet.

16. Have a conversation without using the letter ‘S’. Time how long you can go.

17. Move everything in your house 2 inches to the left, just for shits and giggles. Realize you have a crippling fear of change, and proceed to burn the house down.

18. Turn everything you say into a hypothetical question. “What if I could turn everything I say into a hypothetical question?” “What if this becomes incredibly annoying?”

19. Create clothing from your curtains, Cinderella-style. What, you don’t have little bird and mice friends who can sing and sew? Better get training.

20. Watch a 6 hour marathon of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Question what you’re doing with your life.

21. Examine your belly button for lint, and find something that looks like it could be food. Make a decision.

22. Disprove the theory of gravity by jumping off the roof (of your neighbour’s house, because you burned yours down). Physics is for suckers.

23. Watch an animals' rights video on YouTube. Never eat meat again.

24. Think of every poor decision you have ever made - every stupid thing you have ever done – all at once. Cry.

25. Drink an entire pot of coffee, with half a cup of sugar. While bouncing off the walls (that disappointingly, Wal-Mart didn't sell you), see what ideas you can come up with on your own.



So there you have it – 25 things to do when you’re bored. If you liked this article, please share it on Twitter, Facebook, etc. Heck, you obviously have nothing better to do, and think of all the other bored people who will benefit!